[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.


Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”


Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*


I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.


I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.


Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?


Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.


My son: “Dad what’s a douche bag?” Me: see that guy sitting with his friends wearing a Bluetooth?….


[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD