[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”