Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.
You Might Also Like
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.