You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.