@MeganBaca1

Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.

You Might Also Like

@djdarrellripley

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

@DiamondLou69

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

@jakob_huber

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

@joeljeffrey

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

@OrdinaryAlso

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

@DomBorrett

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.

@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@toomanytoes

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

@AmishPornStar1

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.