Sitting behind a couple in this theater that’s making out. I’m gonna lean forward and whisper “This is nice” in a minute.

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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?


Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?


I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.


[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly


Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.


Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’


Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.


You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.


“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.


Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.