@theshantilly

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

@NYC_Blonde

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

@DannyZuker

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

@TheBeerGuy_

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

@DontTouchMyWine

Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

@Lisabug74

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”