Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.
Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.
i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”