sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
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Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???