Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Y’all know who you are.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
when revenge coincides with naptime
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.