Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
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marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?