[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo