As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*