@LuckoftheDraw86
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
@AmandasNotFunny
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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@LuckoftheDraw86
@justokpanda
[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now
Him: 19+1/21-1
@sarcasm_inc
-THAR SHE BLOWS
*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”
@NicestHippo
[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]
Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?
@AlexRogaski
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
@heatherlou_
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
@daobviousturtle
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
@RidiculousSheri
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
@Try2StopME
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@Parkerlawyer
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.