Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?