Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.


[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1


*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”


[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]

Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?


The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order


I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.


I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.