Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.


me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who


maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do


*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*


If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.


100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.


I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.