@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

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@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@justokpanda

[in the future]
Him: Hindsight is-

Her: don’t say it, you know that’s illegal now

Him: 19+1/21-1

@sarcasm_inc

-THAR SHE BLOWS
*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”

@NicestHippo

[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]

Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?

@AlexRogaski

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@RidiculousSheri

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@Parkerlawyer

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.