[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck