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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.