[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
When someone says you are so lazy
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.