sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
it’s the silliest best thing
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.