*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Hard not to take this personally
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.