Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
October already? What’s next? November????
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??