One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.