@imskytrash

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

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@Marcmywords2

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

@mactx85

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

@karanbirtinna

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@ThaJawn

Wife: Stop acting like a child!

Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@420b1az31t

Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:

@cravin4

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.