[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

You Might Also Like


I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.


I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.


Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.


Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.


Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes


Wife: Stop acting like a child!

Me: *hiding in clothing rack*


Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.


Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:


If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.