@imskytrash

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

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@markleggett

I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@surrealvehicle

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@HiddenPinky

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]