I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Wife: Stop acting like a child!
Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Absolutely no one:
Anime villains who think they’ve already won:
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.