I’m using an old Indian trick in order to wake myself up early: Eating several large curries right before bed.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Why spacing is important.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Will I ever be a good parent?
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]