@NewDadNotes

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

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@IamJackBoot

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

@bobvulfov

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

@Bob_Janke

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

@FloodyHippie

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@girl_a_whirl

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@neiltyson

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.