Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
You Might Also Like
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.