Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
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I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.