ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
You Might Also Like
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher