If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
oh shit
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No