[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

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I wonder if anyone ever tossed a ship in a bottle into the ocean hoping that someone stranded on a desert island would find it and just absolutely lose their shit


Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”


[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron]

“Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog.”


There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.


spraypainting “CHEATER” on my car to make it look like im sexually active


Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.


At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.


The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)


Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors….

The Ginger Bred House.