@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

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@meganamram

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

@NickBossRoss

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

@atragedyoflove

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

@cambuslad

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

@Ristolable

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

@El_nacho_Nigre

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@GrillinChillin9

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.