[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
How does one answer this?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Have a lovely day 😊
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!