@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

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@RocketRankoon

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@jjhartinger

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@Howiesbookclub

“Daddy, are we poor?”
Compared to the vast majority of humans on earth? No.
“Compared to my friends?”
Oh yes, sweety. As the very dirt.

@AndyAsAdjective

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

@Kirinodere

Obama: I’m going to miss living in the White Hou-
Biden: DUUUDE look at my roll!
Obama: MAAAN is that UR Kotori?

@AJslackie2

*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?

@david8hughes

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”