Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

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Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it


I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective


all this spending on black friday… better pay your electricity bill first or next friday will be black friday too


Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL


Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”


My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner


If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either


JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger


JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor


JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim