[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
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Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.