Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

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Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]


How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby


“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”


-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.


I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge



If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.


Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.