@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

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@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@trevso_electric

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

@envydatropic

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@hippieswordfish

it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge

‘oh’

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@LittleMissAngr1

Just overheard my daughter’s friend say “when your mom tries to be cool…” I didn’t hear the rest, but it was probably “…she succeeds”.