@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

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@FknVancouver

If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.

@ComedicBust

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

@meganamram

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

@prodigalsam

They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

@jjhartinger

This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.

@daemonic3

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

@beccafacexo

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

@HenpeckedHal

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

@UncleDuke1969

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

@AwkwardComedy

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”