Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

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If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.


Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.


This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old


They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.


This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.


Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?


Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay


There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.


The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”


“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”