Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
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Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The honesty is refreshing
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?