Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

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I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.


Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships


*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*


I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.


My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…


Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one


*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*


Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.


Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful


How to find out if someone uses two computer monitors: they tell you.