@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

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@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

@KentWGraham

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

@pittdave13

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

@blakeshelton

I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”

@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.