@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

You Might Also Like

@SaraMansford

So I called up the Captain, please bring me my wine. He said: “ma’am, this is a cruise. Please don’t call me again if there’s no emergency”

@ericsshadow

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@caithuls

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

@ItsLaTourette

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@KMoFlo_official

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@Dustinkcouch

me: if you break something then try to put it back together, you might find the pieces don’t fit the same

customer: can you break this dollar or not man

me: i just want her back

customer: and i just want change

me: u sound just like her