People ask me questions like I’m listening
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Shhh don’t talk, I’m imagining you smart.
I’m so drunk right now I just walked into Canadian customs and shouted “Why y’all checkin’ me?! Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.