If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
This is the best one I’ve seen
An exclamation point is just a lowercase L on its period
PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know
ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately
*eats Milky Way*
Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?
And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math…”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.