Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

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If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”


Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.


An exclamation point is just a lowercase L on its period


[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately


Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.



BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.