@Average_Dad1

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

You Might Also Like

@Amusitr0n

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

@KaysNH

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

@chairkeyre

An exclamation point is just a lowercase L on its period

@TheHyyyype

[ornithology test]

PROFESSOR: name all the birds you know

ME: personally? well there’s willy the wren who hangs by my window, and crazy pigeon pete but i haven’t seen him lately

@delusions_of

Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.