Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.