her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.