Skating is just walking in cursive.

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I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body


Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better


If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.


WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same


[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees


You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.


Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.


It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.


[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?