I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Skating is just walking in cursive.
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Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?