@dorsalstream

Skating is just walking in cursive.

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@o__0Dev

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

@ln0217

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@DanMentos

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.

@highinamerica

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

@ninjadinosaur1

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?