Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Wedding planning is organized crime.