The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda