Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that’s all I saw
*shows me it’s just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That’s him

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Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.


*Cop Dog radios in*
We’ve got an armed robbery in progress
“What’s that boy?”
An armed robbery on 5th
“Timmy’s stuck in a well??”


My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.


Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)


my therapist: so when did this all start?

me: probably when i listened to maps by the yeah yeah yeahs 200 times in a row when i was 12


I call bs on the Ninja Turtles having those ripped abs. No way you could do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me Ive tried.


Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]


Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.


When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.