SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
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You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?