@ItsAndyRyan

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

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@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@ClichedOut

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@InternetHippo

[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,

@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@JJSummertime

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@jonnysun

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

@karanbirtinna

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

@elspetheastman

Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted