Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

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My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars


If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?


her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time


[giving a speech to my troops before the big battle like braveheart]
Now fellas let’s not be too ambitious. A win would be nice but let’s be honest, the odds are against us,


[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on


Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.


DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,


Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.


Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted