[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️