[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

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you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.


I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.


21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”


I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now


Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.


DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*


HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs


A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning


I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.


Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.