@ElgatoEsmio

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

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@thenatewolf

I saw a woman with the same haircut as me the other day and I wanted to be like “Same haircut!” but I didn’t because no matter what kind of day she’s having she doesn’t need that right now.

@Shen_the_Bird

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

@PaperWash

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

@RandiLawson

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

@Marlebean

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

@Thynebear

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

@HyenaEars

Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.