@LlamaInaTux

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

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@AngelaEhh

This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.

@RaxKingIsDead

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

@TheRobCee

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@dave_cactus

“Your finest Scotch, please.”

“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

@ItsAndyRyan

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

@mom_ontherocks

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.