Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!