Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

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This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.


do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor


[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]


FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.


Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?


Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?


Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.


“Your finest Scotch, please.”

“Yes, sir,” the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.


I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.


Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.