skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.


Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk


6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.


[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do


My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.


Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.


I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.


Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth


The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home