@Beatonm5

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

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@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@StellaRtwot

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

@daemonic3

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

@HuntPoindexter

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@YaelSpeaks

I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@Chhapiness

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home