(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
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Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
WHY?!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you