Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
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“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.