KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
*skips away in terror
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
When a pregnant woman swims she is literally a human submarine.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty
Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?