@ThaJawn

*skips away in terror

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@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

@jake_likes_naps

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

@pudding_club

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

@Crunk_Jews

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty

Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once

@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

@PortlandiaGirl

There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.

@MichaelTrying

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?