Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
You Might Also Like
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
dream blunt rotation
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.