Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.