[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
<- sleeps well with others
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
hackers play passwordle
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD