@animadvertguy

[Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

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@aligarchy

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

@chuuew

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

@T_Bonezzz_

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

@StellaGMaddox

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

@mc_funbags

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

@MiddleageM

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

@TheAndrewNadeau

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@rikpayne

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

@portmanteauface

Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days