INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left


[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne


I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous


Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”


People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.


Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…



BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*


Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.


Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.


Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days