@animadvertguy

[Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

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@amazymay72x

Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.

Me: No rush.

3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.

@TheBoydP

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

@kadyngriffiths

[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]

Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha

Webster: Is that why-

Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@LaLuchaNix

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.