Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
CORONER: where’s his shoes?
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*Takes kids for sushi before seeing “Finding Dory”*
Husband: I’ll unload the dishwasher for you, honey.
Me: No rush.
3 days later…….regrets saying no rush.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[after 16 years of waiting, my kid finally corrects me using a dictionary]
Me: Well if you love dictionaries so much, you should just Merriam, Webster haha
Webster: Is that why-
Me: Yeah, that’s why I named you that
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.