Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[ Skydiving ]
Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on
Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”
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Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.
DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.
*shows up at your door with my dress up over my head
Help me…I’m stuck.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig