@Sean_Burgundy_

[ Skydiving ]

Instructor: SIR. You can’t just jump out without your equipment on

Me: *Shows him text of gf saying “We need to talk”

You Might Also Like

@T_N_Crumpets

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

@IamEveryDayPpl

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

@Notoliviasteel

DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.

@Inferno_V

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@Donna_McCoy

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

@amandaacheckers

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig