skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“What?”
– Jude
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?