skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.


Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?




Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]



My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.


maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun


my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community


Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.


You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half


Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?


When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.