@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

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@squirrel74wkgn

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

@TheBoydP

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

@VickieIronStone

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@T_N_Crumpets

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

@WilliamAder

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

@ClaytonSykes

Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?

@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…