@PhriendlyCody

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

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@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?

Coworker….

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA

@HatfieldAnne

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

@Aricka_Shuck

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@Darlainky

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

@KylePlantEmoji

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.