skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
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#gardening
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door