Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.