@SunshineJarboly

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

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@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@continentlbkfst

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@Dawn_M_

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@andlikelaura

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

@DominicStraw

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

@amateuradam

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

@difficultpatty

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.