skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
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Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh