Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

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When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters


I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.


So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.


Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.


When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.


The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work


Crabs only walk that way when people are looking at them


Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.


A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.