*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
But wait…
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.