*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.