Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
@ candidates for local office
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop